I try to think about it and not be hurt


I keep on imagining how hard I am going to die inside if I’ll see you there with someone. I keep on imagining the amount of weight I am going to keep inside, the amount of sadness my playlist will give me, and the numerous long nights I have to spend alone.

It’s true, I’m not worthy to have you.

Sometimes, i can only imagine how it is being with you. Sometimes, I can only imagine the thousand feelings I could’ve feel. And sometimes, I try to think of reasons why it can’t be. I try to play it in my head and not be hurt.

Maybe it’s true, things don’t happen the way we want them to be. When I open my eyes, I tell myself I need to stop, but how am I going to stop if my mind won’t shut?

It’s tearing me apart. I can’t avoid to think of the truth that I am crying over you but you don’t even know I exist, that I’m saying I’m here but you won’t hear.

I’ve been lying to myself. And Even if I try a thousand times; I can never play it in my head without being hurt.


Could’ve


I’ve been wounding my heart for years, I left it open to anyone because I thought there’s no way that I can control it. Honestly, I’m not in regret but I might as well decide to stop because it felt too much.

All I had was rain, inside me became a miserable person and I can’t deny that the pain made me coward. The damages I created against my own were just too severe and I go through the same process everytime.

The rain turned to acid and burned my skin, I tried to force myself. I erased the feelings that I have in my heart and even if it made me empty, I was glad with how it turned out- no tears, no ache, no blames; like nothing at all.

But you came as I was still fixing myself, as I was building my stronger guard. I mean, I’ve known you for so long, but I wasn’t caught the first time I saw your eyes. I never had the time looking at you but I must say, you’re perfect- a lot of people like you the way you are.

Then something played on my mind again- “ what if I give this a chance? ” then almost all of me said no. For two nights, I thought of you but maybe two nights was enough because I never attempted to put your name and your face on my head again.

I can’t be guilty by not saving any of your photo on my phone, by not chasing the feeling, by not being enchanted of the enchantment. I can’t be guilty of not giving you any piece of me.

You came on wrong timing and it’s too late to give a try. Maybe, this is how I will forever function- always the afraid, always the person who fall quickly and fall out easily.

I don’t want to be the same, I don’t want to be shattered again, I don’t want to start something and sadly see the ending.

I mean, I could’ve fall in love with you but I shouldn’t be.


Creature


When I look close at thee in the mirror,
I see nothing but written ugliness;
Broken story on eyes with pale color,
Hidden are kaleidoscope images;
Words of vague emotions drawn on fragile skin,
I shiver terrified of your long claws;
Voice shrilling as if thunder on heaven,
No star to shine on your face made of flaws;
Should I still want to be in deep darkness?
If I’ll only be there with you, blinded?
Thou sleeping tightly as I am clueless,
And I am, am emptily lost and afraid:
I am afraid of grotesque creature like you,
But till the time of epitaph, I’m you.