Labyrinth

| Thony

“And do you really think he will like you back?”
This is what I always ask myself about.

Maybe I became overly desperate to want him. I wonder why everything stays the same when I don’t want to be the same anymore. I wonder why I’m too brave and too good breaking myself. I lost control, again.

He will never want to run away with me. He will never want to be with me. And even if he’s all I need, I am not who he need. I’m only nobody. I’m only nothing, even if he seems to be everything. But who am I to be this hurt? I can’t blame him for this ache.

Everytime, it kills me to think that I’ll only end up nothing. It kills me to put it in mind that he doesn’t hold any single idea about me.
I’ve tried to stay away from anyone who could break me, but I was always tempted to be with someone who could perhaps make me happy. And so I did, I broke my fences as I found him, was never afraid of the wounds it could give me.

I can’t say it’s not true. I can’t tell myself I never found happiness, because I did. But I also can’t tell that the happiness lasted for it also faded away and left me empty. I wasn’t terrified that he would be just one of those boys I would always cry about, write about, be sad about. I knew the ending before it started.
But if I’ll tell it, I only wanted the happy phase of falling. I only wanted the rare feelings, not the miserable ones but it couldn’t be.

And if I’ll be too broken one more time because of wanting him, there’s nothing that I can do but to still want him. He’ll be this person, until my heart tell me to stop. Maybe, I’ll just wait for the moment I’m ready to say goodbye.

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Chances

| Thony

I often find myself scattered in pieces and asking why should I cry, questioning why I have to be this hurt.

I often tell myself that even if we are in the same universe, there’s no way that you will see me.

Sometimes, I blame you for my broken heart. Sometimes, I just want to tell you how much I want to be with you- to touch your cheeks, hold your hand, lean my head on your shoulder, gaze your hair, smell your shirt, stare at your eyes.

I want to be anything if only I can be with you.

I want you to know that I am here and I’ll wait as long as my heart can. Even if I’m invisible, I imagine you’re mine; ’cause you’re not mine.

Flawed

| Thony

When I look in the mirror, I only want to bury myself for being so imperfect. I really am frustrated by not being the person I want to be, I can’t avoid but think of those people who are well-liked by others because they’re flawless and just perfect- with pretty faces, kind attitude, talented, and are intelligent. I can’t avoid but to compare me to them, I am only nothing.

Everyday, I try to make it. I wake up knowing that none in me changed, and I am still living in the same body where I was yesterday. I hate being like this, I hate being trap here. How can I ever escape?

When I walk, the same question keep on running in my head as my eyes can see what’s in front of me- How could they be perfect when I am not? , and then I am sinking. Sometimes, I feel like everyone’s staring at me straight in the face. I feel like they’re all laughing even their mouth does not.

No one knows how bad it breaks me when I hear words against my insecurities. No one see how I die a little when kids are making fun of me because of my damages. I feel like an outcast. Am I still a human? Or a grotesque creature?

And when I watch these girls who can wear anything they want and look too cool. I am so envious knowing that I can’t do the same. I can’t be as cool as them because they’re different, I am ugly I should isolate myself. And maybe, isolation is the best way to end it all because sometimes I feel even my friends aren’t comfortable being with me, talking to me, or walking with me. Or, are they really my friends?

I can stand in front but everytime, strangers can say nasty things inside their minds, so shouldn’t I be afraid? I mean I don’t want to be afraid but I can’t help it. I might look confident and act confident but I am anxious and inside me seems to be a person with abased worth.

Should I still join this group of peers when I oddly know I am not belong? Or should I kick myself out before they do it?

I wish I can be better. I wish I can also walk among the crowd without worrying about their words, without them staring because of how bad I look like. I wish this sickness of imperfection will also heal.

I can be sorry on my own for saying all these but I am not. Self-pity won’t help me. Sorry won’t fix it. I think, I better lock myself and be alone because I’m unwanted. Because no one will ever want to see me and my flaws around.

Letter from Unrequited

| Thony

You;

I can’t promise to be always like this. I am the person who falls in love quickly, and fall out easily. I use to say that my heart is smart, it knows when to jump and when to leave. Maybe now, you’re here but tomorrow or after a week or a month, you’re not.

I am the person who always take risks, who always jump on uncertainty but is not ready to be broken. I’m afraid of endings, because sooner I might wake up and you’re already with someone; and I’ll just be the same person again- who always stay awake at night, feeling lost and empty, crying before sleep, making writings out of melancholic misery.

But last chapters are just unknown and unpredictable and I want to linger this happiness while I know you are here.

I can’t make any promises, I won’t tell you I will stay.

And no matter how painful it could be, I still want you to be with the person you should be with. Even if it’s not me.

weary fangirl, x

Blogiversary || Year 1

| Thony
*So today, I am sipping my coffee while making this post. With a smile.

Basically, I decided to check my WordPress Notifications. And suddenly something notified, says that I’ve reached my 1st year Anniversary. 🎊

It’s September, and I had the best first day of the month as I hit this milestone. I want to congratulate myself for continuing running my website even though I had failures from the past year and months.

I can’t thank you all enough to express how grateful I really am- for you following my website, for you liking my posts, for you showing love by commenting with what I’m saying on blogs.

This is where I found Real sweet people whom I can call my ‘friends’. You guys never failed to make me feel appreciated, because I felt and I still feel appreciated by y’all.

If there’s something that I’m celebrating, it’s literally not the total Follows, Likes, and Comments, and Views that I got- it’s the relationship that I had and still have with y’all. So thank you so much, you guys are amazing. And as always, take care of yourselves. 💌

T. Space Diary || August Struggles + Lover Album Faves

| Thony
I just kind of realized that time is really fleeting….

I’ve always been this teen who share almost everything in my website so you can expect me to share some things again. Like, right now. 😂

Anyways, I can’t believe it will be September again sooo soon. I found myself awake in August and now I’m about to live in September all of sudden. Christmas is so near again. For the past weeks, I really felt bad about myself, about my life – as if nothing’s new anymore. Do you guys get it when you feel so bored by everything? When the things you used to love doing doesn’t excite you anymore? Because That is how I was feeling. But I’m trying to be over it. I’m trying to be more positive and optimistic even though I have my ‘August Struggles’ :

° Unproductivity

This is what I’m currently battling with. Well, I’m a graduating student (or if I’ll graduate lol) [i mean, i don’t wanna be certain], I have a lot of things to accomplish. Includes research, making writings, reporting visuals, et cetera et cetera. But I can’t understand what’s happening to me, I’m not even doing them, or even planning to give them a start. I feel so unproductive, nothing but unproductivity and everything around it.

I’m super hands-on when it comes to school works, but right now, I don’t anymore feel like exhausting myself up just to accomplish ’em all. Maybe I’ll just do them when I know I really have to do them. I badly need to manage myself.

° Boring Instagram Feed

Really, I am not anymore thrilled with posting on Instagram. I am achieving the feed that i wanted because it’s already planned. Yep, I prefer planned feed than spontaneous. Month ago, I decided to try bookstagram feed, which i was really happy about. But as the time passed and I am posting the same type of pale pictures, I became so used to it and wanted something new. This is why I hate myself, I am so ambitious in literally E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G

So please y’all, don’t be surprised if you check on my feed and see that I’m using new theme. Again.

° Broken Earphone

I think of all things, this is the worst among them all. Aside from books and coffee, earphone is what I always need too.

So basically, I was only watching YouTube videos and was using it. But suddenly, It just stopped working. Arghh. I hate it. I hate myself, and I hate to think that I have no budget for replacement. 😂

I badly want new one (the 8D-like Type pls.) especially that Taylor Swift just recently released her 7th album. What am I supposed to use now?

Annnd in conclusion, I need more productivity, new earphone ( wireless if possible) and something new and exciting in my life.

° ° °

* my tweet about the new album, Taylor, and everything around it. *

° ° °

Anyways, talking about Lover Album. Here are my top faves:

*warning ⚠ : u have to be a swifty to totally get what I’m talking about.

🎶 Afterglow

– Afterglow is a strong pop song. Before I appreciate a song, I need three to five listen, but Afterglow is really catchy. The first time I heard it, I knew this is my favorite.

🎶 Cornelia Street

I can actually hear both All Too Well (from Red album) and Getaway Car (from Reputation album) from this Cornelia Street. It’s super amazing, I think it’s not a pop song at all. It’s about heartbreak and I love the symbolism used which is the real existent Cornelia Street. (see it on google).

🎶 Cruel Summer

Cruel Summer can be a theme song of a teen movie. I dunno, this is just super alive and I love love love the vibe of it. It’s so cool and I can somehow also hear Getaway car in this track.

🎶 Daylight

Daylight is the best song that I can use to describe her transition from dark era which is Reputation to this new Album, which is called Lover. This song seems to be really bright and so calm. Honestly, just listen to it.

🎶 Lover

Lover is the title track of the Album. This touches country, and it’s undeniable. I think There’s drum on the used instrument but the way it was sung was just slow and super soft to the ears. This is a love song, not a heartbreak one, just happiness in love.

My other faves :

🎵 False God

🎵 I Forgot that You Existed

🎵 I Think He Knows

🎵 It’s Nice to Have a Friend

🎵 London Boy

🎵 Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince

Now, this is a lengthy update and I want to say ‘thank you‘ if you’re there and still reading up to this part of the post.

So that’s it, y’all. I really did miss making updates post. I hope you liked this one, because I really diiiid.

What are your August Struggle/s ? Have you heard Lover Album? If yes, what’s your Favorite track?

Comment your thoughts and Let’s have some coffee and talk. ☕💌

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What to do When You’re Experiencing Breakdown? || Positivity Post + Bonus Updates

| Thony

🌻 Rest

// Maybe you’ve become so well-rounded, you already forgot to take care of yourself. You already forgot to rest, you already forgot your mental health. If so, breakdown has big chance to happen. Add more time for sleep, take time to meditate. Pause is what you need the most in the middle of exhausting games.

🌻 Treat/Reward Yourself

// Breakdown is only a phase, time when you feel like everything’s weighing you down because you’ve done so much, you’re burned out. Rewarding yourself is important as an appreciation for all of your accomplishments. Have a cup of coffee, or buy yourself new things, walk around the city, have some skincare session. Self care is not selfish.

🌻 Do Something to Keep You Busy but Something You Enjoy

// Have you forgot to do the things you used to enjoy because you were so loaded with other works? When you’re feeling low, set aside those things that are putting you down and do those things which make you happy instead. Read a book, watch your fave shows, try new dishes. There’s a lot of simple things to put you back into positivity and take you away from any worry, try ’em.

🌻 Stop Thinking Too Much

// Something will bother you more if you won’t stop bothering yourself thinking of it. Negativity become stronger when we create room for them in our minds. Don’t seek for reason why you’re sad, but rather, think of reasons how you can be happy again. Just forget and let it go.

° ° ° ° ° °

So this post is really intended to help you guys cope up if you’re experiencing breakdown. You know that I’m one of those people who usually struggle chasing positivity, and when I’m losing control of situations, the listed things above are also the things that I do. I just thought it would make more sense if I wouldn’t just keep it for myself. 💭 💭

So recently, I became so busy ( with school again ). I mean, what’s new? 😁😛 but I’m less busy now and that’s somehow a good news.

I want to inform y’all that I decided to create positivity pages across social media ( specifically, Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr) and so I did.

Mental health is really important but most people really encounter hardship having rich of it. So I thought, I can use social media to help not just myself but also others. So such pages won’t be about me, but where followers can find positivity through simple but inspiring posts. If you want to follow, which I’ll highly appreciate, here are the links 🔗 🔗 🔗 :

💌 Twitter

💌 Instagram

💌 Tumblr

Anyways, i am really back posting the writings I made when I was so full of inspo to write. By the way, i am about to celebrate my blogiversary this August 30,2019. I’m kind of excited about it, that means I must have something to do with my blog.

And also, if you’ll ask me what I am currently hanging out with, it’s with Taylor Swift ‘s 7th Album, Lover 😍. [check it out now] Yayy

What other thing/s are you doing when you have breakdown? What are your thoughts about my positivity pages? Will check out Lover?

Drop down what you wanna say and we’ll talk 🌻

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Could’ve

| Thony

I’ve been wounding my heart for years, I left it open to anyone because I thought there’s no way that I can control it. Honestly, I’m not in regret but I might as well decide to stop because it felt too much.

All I had was rain, inside me became a miserable person and I can’t deny that the pain made me coward. The damages I created against my own were just too severe and I go through the same process everytime.

The rain turned to acid and burned my skin, I tried to force myself. I erased the feelings that I have in my heart and even if it made me empty, I was glad with how it turned out- no tears, no ache, no blames; like nothing at all.

But you came as I was still fixing myself, as I was building my stronger guard. I mean, I’ve known you for so long, but I wasn’t caught the first time I saw your eyes. I never had the time looking at you but I must say, you’re perfect- a lot of people like you the way you are.

Then something played on my mind again- “ what if I give this a chance? ” then almost all of me said no. For two nights, I thought of you but maybe two nights was enough because I never attempted to put your name and your face on my head again.

I can’t be guilty by not saving any of your photo on my phone, by not chasing the feeling, by not being enchanted of the enchantment. I can’t be guilty of not giving you any piece of me.

You came on wrong timing and it’s too late to give a try. Maybe, this is how I will forever function- always the afraid, always the person who fall quickly and fall out easily.

I don’t want to be the same, I don’t want to be shattered again, I don’t want to start something and sadly see the ending.

I mean, I could’ve fall in love with you but I shouldn’t be.