au revoir

The vision in my head sees us together,

As if I am running back to the places we’ve been to.

I hear laughters, and whispers of spoken love letters.

Light is hitting our skin, but your face is blurry.

You’re blurry, blurry. Gone, gone,

Never stayed with me as you uttered your goodbye.

I’m Starting a Novel

Recently, I finally decided that I’m starting my first novel. From the very beginning, it is readily in my head that I want it to be tragic, sad, but will leave something to anyone who might read it.

As of now, I don’t know when to start yet, or what are the things I’ll be doing before I start.

I am pretty sure that the main character here (the girl first), will be a fangirl so I can totally relate myself to her as the writer of the story.

I think, Novel is the best way for me to ably write down all my emotions and experiences. Through it, I can create a character out of myself. I want the story to be mine, I want to write it for myself and share it to the world.

I am creating a good story line, and I hope it will be relatable.

I can imagine how limitless the flow of the fiction will be. It will also include a diary, like how I’d love the novel to serve as my diary and reflect my life.

I am honestly so thrilled, because it’s the first time I am doing this. Starting with a blog, then I tried poetry, then prose, both of them. And now, I’m finally crafting a story about life, teenagers, fangirling, dreams, struggles, emotions and all that.

I am super excited. All I know, next after writing this entry, is I will buy numerous notes where I’ll be taking down everything.

Any recommendation(s) before I start the Novel? What type of story line are you most Interested into? You think my work will be great?

Drop down your thoughts, please 💭 xo ♡

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Falling in Love Never Mend a Broken Heart

He is just different, and I can’t pretend I don’t like him because I really do. I thought, when you experience something repeatedly, you become use to it. I still am not tamed with heartache.

It is months now that I started to stop keeping my feelings for this guy I never thought I would fall in love with, I was pretentious that I could just ignore someone and hold onto my promise not to fall in love again. I thought I could do it, to heal my broken heart by not jumping again but I never did as I jumped again.

Boys never made me miserable. I cry over them, write a lot about them, but I have no one to blame but myself. I had and I am still carrying the weight because this guy never saved me, but it’s also not his responsibility. I made it, I wounded myself one more time by escaping from the barricades I created before.

Bleeding, but I am not yet ready to say goodbye to him because I still want him. Falling in love is never a good choice, I guess, unless it chooses you- with what I did, I can only realize that opening your heart to someone when you’re still mending will only break it even more.

I pity myself that I need to suffer this hard, that I need to take this consequences alone. I am taking the risk like how I did it many times. Everytime, it kills me to tell the truth that I am alone in this, that I am not the person for him- that he is not the person meant for me.

This story is only meant to end up nothing, because in his world, I am only nothing.

A little Something about it

I don’t need your attention, and I won’t beg for it because I don’t deserve it in the first place.

I always try to be hopeless because hopeless is what I should be, and it’s what I am. But trying isn’t enough, even if I don’t want to fool myself; I still think of you.

Maybe, I am just too stupid and brainless to imagine being part of your world, to imagine being with you. Each night, I wonder where you are. I keep on guessing what you do, as if I can know a little something about it.

It can be excruciating but I am only meant to forget you, ’cause you’re not belong with me. I am only nothing and all I can do is nothing.

Well, maybe, there are just feelings words can’t express at all. And letting go, acceptance, and honesty are the only things left to ease the weight.

Who am I to say you should be with me? Even if I want to be something, I will forever be nothing. And there’s no way you’ll save me, because I never saved myself either.


I never
killed the hope,
that maybe
there is also a chance
for the two of us.

Maybe one day
we will meet,
and you’ll fall in love
with me

We are under
the same
but how am I going to kill
a dead hope?

Coffee, late nights, and the forgetting process

I want you to know that one of these days, you may not be part of my life at all, that maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or week, or month or two; you doesn’t have a place in my heart at all.

It’s a complete three months now, and I broke my heart the way I always do it.

Just like how I never expected of falling in love with you, I also never thought how much I would cry for you. But right now, I don’t know how to feel. Right now, I don’t know how to react because all I feel is hollowness.

Inside three months, I had to do the same things and tell myself the same hurtful words. I would always stay late at night, listen to my sad playlist, have sips of coffee, and think about you or about healing me. Until now, I always do the same things but maybe, some of them has to be changed- I don’t think of you at all, I feel empty, I have weights but doesn’t know how to cry, even my mind can’t think of words to ease this. Even my pen never wanted to write about you at all. And this prose, this will perhaps be the last.

I just learned that, we doesn’t always deserve what we want. and sometimes, to stop from holding on- giving up- is the best choice to end it all.

I switch off the light, stare into blind darkness, and wait for total nothingness.