Appreciation & Realisation

June 18th was so Happy!
Because it was my day. But honestly, growing up I never saw birthday as something special. I’d just wake up, and my mom would greet me, singing happy birthday of course. And I just have this gratefulness within me. And it’s just a normal day.
I’m not a dramatic person I swear, but I’m the kind of person who tries to appreciate everything as much as I can.

I had this fear of growing up, of becoming older because I think I want to be an overachiever kind of person. That’s why I keep of working on everything that I can at the moment.
I was anxious because being 18 means getting a lot of responsibilities, it means going to college, it’s the phase of saying goodbye being a teenager.

I want to accomplish great things, but as of now, I’m just a typical person who can stay on his own room.
My family trained me to always pray whenever it’s my birthday. I never got the point of celebrating it because it only means growing older. But now I know, it’s a chance given by God. To live another year and fulfill your heart with so much happiness. To achieve things that you want. To be with the people you love. And accomplish an uncertain purpose.

And so I prayed, and I am truly grateful.
I think it’s time that I just leave it all to God. I said to him I’ll just do what I can, and work on things I think I need to work on. If I get great outcomes, then I’d be on my greatest feeling of gratitude. And if I won’t, I know that something extraordinary has to come.

So I guess, I’ll just stay. Whatever happens, I should be here. Staying with people who believe in me. Living through the Guidance of God. Fulfilling my heart, and chasing what life has to offer.

You can expect me to be the same person, staying on social media for good, posting on my blog, campaigning my advocacies.
And as long as you want me to be with you, I’ll stick around with you. I hope that you’ll do the same.

I’d also like to say thank you to everyone who made me special on my 18th.
Those who messaged me, posted on their instagram story, commented on my post as they greeted me.
To my loving family members, my blog frennies who gave me ease and relief about growing up and gave me the advice that I needed.

Thank you so much!
You guys are my rays of sunshine.

I got a lot of Realisations, and it was the most heartwarming day! I guarantee.

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Ocean and Holes

You are mystified.
When you doesn’t know
who to trust.
When you doesn’t know
what to feel.
You take your days for granted,
And doesn’t know
where to get
the truest happiness.
The voices in your head
always yell words,
So you believe them.
The thoughts inside
doesn’t know where to go out,
they became spirals
where you always fall.
Thousand of waves
are going through you,
Gushing till you’re almost drowning.
And they want you drowning,
But you want it more.
More than they do.

Featured image: © Hannah Blum

2019 Ended // 2020 and a Busier Life

Year 2019 has been a roller coaster for me, or maybe for you too. But whatever, it readily ended anyway. 😛

° ° °

Hello gorgeous people. I missed my blog and the blogosphere. And you all. I finally had the chance to make an update post again, and I can’t be thankful enough. Anyway, what’s going on?! (comment your answer for that)

So as I was talking about, 2019 has ended already and it was a roller coaster because life threw a lot of things which made it both beautiful and twisted. At some point, there are countless things which turned out great, and at some point; there are some which didn’t.
I got to celebrate the holidays with my family. On Christmas, I attended church (something which I honestly do not do much) and blasted Christmas Tree farm by Taylor Swift on Repeat 🎶. Christmas gave me a huge realization, it’s so positive. On New Year’s eve, I slept and just celebrated when I woke up at January 1st (morning) lol 😂

However, I had a struggle just after January 1st. It was both Mental and Emotional. I couldn’t quite pinpoint what was my reason/s. All I know, i was so worried and feeling messed up, and i was having this strange feeling towards the people around me. I also felt bad considering that it’s just the start of the new year but I already encountered negativity. I consulted my Instagram friends and they said, it can be anxiety- social anxiety, perhaps. But i don’t want to name it anxiety or any because I know having such isn’t easy. I’m trying to be positive as possible, and to cope up with it.
But you know, struggles are normal, and I don’t look to it as a reason to encourage failures. We shouldn’t force ourselves not to encounter such because it’s just impossible that we can prevent it from happening. What’s important is we overcome, and we do our best not to dwell on it.

This new year, I just Reorganized my bullet journal and set up new batch of goals for a healthier and more positive and productive lifestyle. I’m indeed excited being on track with my BuJo.
Also, I want y’all to know that my life rn is getting busier than it was before because I’m already working on things I really wanna work on, especially my novel, school, and soonest, for college. I’m graduating soon 🎊 (i can’t wait to leave my present school)
Maybe, I won’t be able to post regularly at all, unlike the way I was allowed before. Things are changing so much already, it’s something I was always expecting. You can assume that I miss everything about blogging when I’m not around blogosphere – because I will miss it. :’)

° ° °

Music recommendation blog post soon. ➡

How was your 2019? How did you celebrate holidays? What are your main goals for 2020? You reorganized your journal yet? Excited for new decade?

Drop down your answers and we’ll chat, please 💌

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When I look in the mirror, I only want to bury myself for being so imperfect. I really am frustrated by not being the person I want to be, I can’t avoid but think of those people who are well-liked by others because they’re flawless and just perfect- with pretty faces, kind attitude, talented, and are intelligent. I can’t avoid but to compare me to them, I am only nothing.

Everyday, I try to make it. I wake up knowing that none in me changed, and I am still living in the same body where I was yesterday. I hate being like this, I hate being trap here. How can I ever escape?

When I walk, the same question keep on running in my head as my eyes can see what’s in front of me- How could they be perfect when I am not? , and then I am sinking. Sometimes, I feel like everyone’s staring at me straight in the face. I feel like they’re all laughing even their mouth does not.

No one knows how bad it breaks me when I hear words against my insecurities. No one see how I die a little when kids are making fun of me because of my damages. I feel like an outcast. Am I still a human? Or a grotesque creature?

And when I watch these girls who can wear anything they want and look too cool. I am so envious knowing that I can’t do the same. I can’t be as cool as them because they’re different, I am ugly I should isolate myself. And maybe, isolation is the best way to end it all because sometimes I feel even my friends aren’t comfortable being with me, talking to me, or walking with me. Or, are they really my friends?

I can stand in front but everytime, strangers can say nasty things inside their minds, so shouldn’t I be afraid? I mean I don’t want to be afraid but I can’t help it. I might look confident and act confident but I am anxious and inside me seems to be a person with abased worth.

Should I still join this group of peers when I oddly know I am not belong? Or should I kick myself out before they do it?

I wish I can be better. I wish I can also walk among the crowd without worrying about their words, without them staring because of how bad I look like. I wish this sickness of imperfection will also heal.

I can be sorry on my own for saying all these but I am not. Self-pity won’t help me. Sorry won’t fix it. I think, I better lock myself and be alone because I’m unwanted. Because no one will ever want to see me and my flaws around.

Something Strange Happening in Me

The other day, I was back online and I promised myself to post writing on my blog because I said before my hiatus, that will be the thing I’m going to do once I’m back but I first procrastinate everything and leave them for the following day.
But last night, when I was too tired after the party from school, I decided to read some chapters from the book I availed. I felt like my eyes isn’t working properly and I need to take sleep for at least half an hour and so I did. When I woke up, I heard Momma telling us to eat dinner so as she said, I prepared my food and so my cup of coffee. After I ate, I went to my bed like what I always do, and when I already set myself to start deciding what to post on my blog, I felt something in me that I couldn’t understand. There’s something that keeps my from telling myself that my words are too lame and stupid, I can feel it. I mean, I already have the writings on my note but I can’t just type and post any of them, there’s something in me that needs to be filled. I know I can’t write right now and even if I want to start another writer’s block, I also can’t. I don’t want this thing in me to affect any other things I do.

I first hang on Twitter and burst Everything out, I rant, said a lot of shits, and I was just really emotional. In spite of the truth, I could talk and interact to people especially my commentators from this page but I feel like I’m a bit fake when I was doing that. I was happy online but in reality, I’m not. Really not.

I’m anxious, I’m experiencing clouds of different emotions. The heartbreak, the feeling like I can’t trust anyone even my closest friends, and the fact that I can’t suddenly do the things I believe I’m good at. As of now, I decided to add more sleep, that means I need to sleep early Especially that this holiday break won’t be an actual break ’cause there’s this research paper plus book review I need to accomplish seriously.
I just need to rest and break for a while, I guess. Like what I always tell others when they are in the same state as mine. I’m just tired- physically and emotionally.

I already had Breakdown before and it’s a thing that might happen or might not happen.
But this time around, I won’t let it happen anymore. Sorry to tell and to fail y’all guys. I need time, I’m going to fix myself as soon as possible and this will not endure.